Ross

yesterday while driving back from office, i listened to Mix.FM.

my all-time favourite deejay was on air but sadly, he announced that it was going to be his last shift.

even i dont know much about him, and recently, i didnt listen that much to him - but surely, i am going to miss his voice. All the best to you, Ross...

and right after his announcement, one summarization of my life in terms of music flashed in my mind.

started from my life at Sespi, i started to learn about music - which i bought my first cassette - NOW. it was an complition album with Bon Jovi, Wet Wet Wet, MLTR, Ace of Base and a few more (that i'm sure i'll remember if i try harder..)
I even bought Backstreet Boys' during the first few years in Sespi.
Then, influnced by my uncle (my late Paksu), i started to listen to OAG, Nirvana, Metallica, Cranberries, Saturnine, Greenday, Butterfingers, a few other local underground band. Those years were like learning to listen to good songs as well as learning things in friendship. Most of the songs still in my list - so does all my friends back then.

During my years at college, now that i'm refresehing the memory and relate it with music, all i can think is - at that stage of my life - those are the best songs shared with good friends. A lot of songs that are still in my favourite was from during that stage of life.
Like Yellow (The Calling), (Yellow) Coldplay, (Kryptonite, Loser) 3 Doors Down, Ava Adore (Smashing Pumpkins) and the list goes on...

we shared one radio and listened to same songs, sometimes even scribble the lyrics in the lecture hall. college life was the shortest, but the friendship i think was one of the deepest. really miss you guys, even now, maybe we're all on our own path, and some might even forget, but to me, you guys are always close to my heart. all songs seem good, maybe because i share it with good friends. that was when i started to listen to Sheila on 7...

going to uni, i think that was my depression stage. a lot of sad things happened during that stage, so, for as long as i can remember, listening to that time's song reminds me to only pain. Songs from Evanescene (Bring Me To Life, My Immortal), Linkin' Part (Numb, Somewhere I Belong), Coldplay (The Scienties), Sheila on 7 (Buat Aku Tersenyum), Creed, Story of The Year (Until The Day I Die), 3 Doors Down (Here Without You), Peterpan (Semua Tentang Kita)..I even bought Eminem's cassette on my first year - because listening to his life disappointments made me feel that i wasnt alone.

Even good songs remind me of disappointment. Too many painful things and there was not really anyone to cry on.

Now I guess I'm back to normal. I am with Syam. Funny, he doesnt listen to my favourite music and i dont listen to his. But so far, we get along just fine. Sometimes, i couldnt help but laughing everytime he listens to his songs while driving and singing heartfully along with the song. I wasnt laughing at his choice of music but i found it amusing on how different we are, but still, we manage to keep this relationship strong.

As for me, I'm still listening to my stuff. Currently fall in love with "Hey There Delilah" - Plain White T's.

..neverending questions..

what does it take to make the right decision?

what if we've mistakenly chosen the wrong path? could we possibly turn back and start over again?or, are things never be the same again?

how do we know when to stop or when to work things out?

and even if things look still bearable, what if it's wrong to stay?

what if it's wrong to be patience?

when things are painful today, we all hope for a better tomorrow. But what if it's still raining tomorrow?

is it true that time heal all pain?

why are things are too fragile and are too difficult?

is it all my fault - when i've tried the best that i can?

the sad thing is, i dont have the answers at all.

..low self-esteem..

i am the person who easily gives up. always predict things would always turn out bad - which is always does. i am esily turned down, because i have problem with my self-esteem. some people sort of made fun of me getting help from those self-help books, but i have to admit, i am fragile and i need to refresh and patch up my soul often.
sometimes i just dont have the courage to change and even to appreciate myself more. my self-esteem is extremely low.
right now, i really feel low - due to one thing just happened. i asked myself 'what is wrong with me?' which i couldnt answer.
i just heard myself questioning me back - 'what exactly that can make me happy?'
love, career, companion, money, what?
i think the real problem is that i worry too much. yeah, people say worries do not lessen the burden of tomorrow, they lessen the strength of today..i know that, but still, i am worried.
maybe i should just go back home and rest.

..SHUT UP..

sumtimes i wish i could just shout "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!".

how does it feel to talk about yourself only all day long?dont you feel tired bragging about yourself?for Godsake, please shut up...